Glass case of emotion!

5/9/2019

If I told you right now that I was overwhelmed to a point of sporadic sobbing sessions and near panic attack style breathing, I would expect you to say to yourself "no way, it can't be that bad".  But that's where things are right now.  Right now.  Not that I'm sobbing in this instant, just reminding myself that this is how things are right now, and that tomorrow they could change. It could change for the better, it could change for the worse.  It might not change at all.  But this is right now, and as bad as it sucks, and it really fucking does, this will pass.

5/15/2019

I kind of hit a mental road block right after that paragraph that I wrote last week.  Maybe it was because I kind of processed what I needed to well enough that I didn't need to go any further.  I acknowledged what was going on, and my emotions, and then let it go.  And you know what? Things have started to change and we're on a small up swing.  Clearly, being able to talk to Andrew was a big help, but also having a "normal weekend" along with being able to get some mileage in last week, and this week has contributed to a better mental state. 

What have I learned? A lot.....I think.

My emotional bandwidth was totally consumed, and the crying episodes were the "overflow".  That's why every little thing set me off.  Heartfelt interaction with a deaf lady at Post Office......crying.  Buying mothers day gift......crying.  Every email I got at work.....pissed....ready to quit. With virtually no time to myself to think, or exercise, I had no way to purge along the way. Gotta keep an eye on these things moving forward. 

My fear of the "well this is it, this will be the point in my life where my life gets so consumed with other shit that my health and happiness go to absolute shit forever".....or as some refer to it as a Midlife Crisis.  Thankfully Andrew, and some guided meditation helped me realize that I'm way too aware of my surroundings, and feelings to let that slip away until "it's too late". Fair point.  And, I was already making some changes to my schedule to take back control of things, like time for running.  Another great example of loss of control, and feeling of helplessness creeping in. 

I often wonder if my visits with Andrew, along with the daily meditation have led such a greater awareness and deeper thinking that I almost feel lost in this newly found, larger space. Perhaps all this introspection and processing of so many emotions has created a little bit of fear.  Like having the walls around me drop and realizing the space around me is so much "more" than I thought it was.  I can see how that might trigger a little uneasiness.

I feel a bit like I've gone from feeling like I'm going through a mid-life crisis, to feeling like I'm evolving or breaking through.  Clearly this is a big accomplishment because a week ago I was worried about becoming a stressed out, passionless, impatient parent for the rest of my life.


Message to myself: Don't be afraid of having to evolve.  Being pushed to the brink mentally made me look at my schedule and take action, like moving running to the mornings.  As mad as I was that I had to start doing that here and there, it turned out to be a great thing for me.  Being on the trails first thing in the morning for an hour of running was sometimes EXACTLY what I needed to start clearing my head.  Instead of just a short meditation to start the day, I was getting an hour of nature, elevated heart rate, and quiet time with my thoughts.  I also found that having that "off the list" early in the day, took off the possible stress of making sure my lunch time was protected for a run later in the day.