"Was it worth it?"

This is the question that sparked it all for us on the 90+ degree afternoon, back at our house, covered in sweat and stank from a long weekend of boat camping on Lake James with friends.  You could see the fatigue on us both. Me trying to put the boat away while the sun reminded me of the poor sunblock decisions made, and Maura inside trying to sort out how much extra food we had....again....and how much was NOT soaked in ice water and could be salvaged.

As I walked in from outside, finally done putting away all the tools of the Memorial Day Weekend trade, I saw Maura on the couch, head in hands, and I asked her "is everything ok?".  To which she replied "I'm just so tired, and trying to figure out if it was worth it or not." (I don't even know if I responded) I was pissed.  Luckily I had a reason to go to the store so I did.....not without making my frustration known as passively as possible (rookie mistake).

Why was I the one who was mad, when Maura was the one clearly upset or just trying to process her emotions upon MY request? I guess I felt like I had done all this work to make the weekend smooth and enjoyable, and it might not have been "worth it" which felt to me like "wasn't enough".  The story I told myself about all of this while looking for an elusive bottle of Faygo Red Pop at Ingles was a dramatic one, but not necessarily a factual one. 

When I got home, we had a nice little argument about the whole thing. The only reason I use the word "argument" is because we were so tired, and neither of us were being very patient about each others perspective and feelings. I felt the same way she did, but I was trying to pump myself up (look for positives despite the work) about things, and her words, at that moment, derailed my thought train of trying to focus on the good of the weekend.

So.....none of this addresses "was it worth it?". This question, to me, goes along with the feelings I've had/we've had about many of our vacations, not just this one, and not just since Sutton.  Our families and friends from home are a long way away, and it takes a lot of effort to make time together, in any capacity, happen. In the end, does that effort result in what you wanted out of it?  That's a hard question to answer, but I've found that sometimes documenting things with a hint of "revisionist history" can be very therapeutic.  I use this format, (journaling) but some people like a FaceBook Album or having a place to hang/changeout photos of trips and activities you do as a family.  Find the best part of a hard trip and celebrate it.  Even just deciding that, after a long trip/activity, share what was the best moments you want to remember with each other. Just doing that can help shift the mindset and help your "worth it" calculation......in my experience.

I wrote Maura an email Tuesday morning:

________________________________________________________________________________

I know it was hard…..BUT……these are the memories I’ll have now forever. 

Sutton’s face when we pulled up to the dock to get you guys. 

Waking up with the sun, and rolling over and seeing him and you sleeping peacefully as our campsite lights up
Watching him watch the bugs with amazement, and wanting to touch all the tree leaves while on my shoulders
“Good morning campsite”
Seeing him and you sitting together by the lake throwing stones and letting him experience the rocks on his bare feet.
His 300 layers of sunscreen and crazy boat hair laying on your lap to cuddle because of the wind when the boat goes fast.
“big boat….vrooom vroooom!!”
Getting to experience his comfort in the water by jumping to me, and floating in your arms away from the boat.
His adorable little butt with the neon green thong up his butt J
Admiring his ease around our friends, like him and Hoffman playing on the boat on Monday.
Playing with him in the hammock…….forever ;)

I know we could write a list of things that made it hard or annoying, or stressful.  But I don’t want that to be how we look at these times, and I know we won’t in the long run.  I agree we should consider how we can perhaps limit the downsides of these trips, and communication will be important.  I don’t think either of us were in a place emotionally, or physically to sort through all that….especially with a toddler having a vacation hangover of his own in that same moment.  I know my stress reaction is to fight everyone off, and go solo and I’m sorry about that.  It’s more productive to be on the same team and help each other through those tough times than for me to protect my feelings by pushing others away.  It’s a work in progress. 

________________________________________________________________________________

She was very thankful to have me remind her of all those things and not of the things that didn't go wonderfully:
- like Sutton not sleeping in his pack 'n play
- Sutton's constant neediness regarding his ever changing demands from throwing stones to going on the boat.....
- Sutton's mid-night thrashings that would wake Maura and I up
- Nap? Is he gonna take one? What does his nap mean for night time???
- My dead battery on the boat as Hoffman and I shoved off, alone, on Monday afternoon...
- GPS F-ing up my drive home
- an overall later than expected "all done" to the weekend so we could RELAX!

Beyond that, I can't think of much, and it's only a couple days later. I am willing to bet that the memories in the email are the ones that stick vs. the ones I had to come up with just now. 

Was it worth it? : YES
Why: I'm choosing to focus on the good stuff and not the bad
Lesson: Keep an open line to the Mrs. on how time off is spent and try to build in a "adjustment" period in if you think you'll be stressed coming off a vacation...….the exact opposite of it's purpose.

THE END