I'm currently sitting alone at "The Casual Pint", it's 3:13 on a Friday, and I'm killing time with a casual pint before picking up Sutton. Somehow I reminded myself I've been wanting to write a little more, and actually had time in that moment to do it. So I am.
2018 was hard. While the growing connections we experienced during toddlerhood were amazing, they each had their dark side. Learning to scoot, and crawl meant we could explore more territory together, but it also meant you wanted to be on the go constantly, which meant Maura and I played "tag" a lot when it came to dinners out. Throwing a ball becomes throwing food, and everything else. Talking becomes learning "no" and using it for all responses. Even his cutest and most adorable asset, his dance moves, became a constant struggle during the evolution of pandora, and You Tube videos. He literally would wake up, shimmy his shoulders, and say "dance? dance?"
Maura and I are still working very actively on his eating and sensory stuff, so introducing these other developments along the way had us working overtime in the parenting department. It felt like, for the first time, parenting style and rules were important for us to survive.
I know we didn't make it easy on ourselves, we went to NJ for Kyle's wedding in April, spent Memorial Day weekend camping in the rain, traveled to Michigan via Jon's wedding in July, then to Hilton Head at the end of July. Another 2 camping trips in Sept and Oct and then to Germany for Christmas. Wow, I guess that is a lot. While these trips were all amazing (aside from Memorial Day) they all had considerable stress related to it, whether it was the lack of Sutton eating, sleeping or both. I like to think that those issues will be better during those trips in 2019.
Best memories of trips this year:
- Sutton and Maura watching me give Kyles best man speech
- My EJ friends playing with Sutton on the party bus
- Sutton dancing at Jons wedding
- Bike trip and canoe trip in EJ
- Watching Sutton and Maddie skip stones
- All things camping
- Suttons passport getting stamped
- Sutton hugging Emi
- Sutton and Maura on the train in Hiedleburg
So this stuff was all great, but there's a lot I have learned this year that I need to work on. We started 2018 with sleep being so bad that we hired a sleep consultant, and thankfully it worked well. It had to, because I'm pretty sure that listening to your child scream for an hour was the hardest thing I'd ever done (to that point). It's become pretty clear that sleep, or the lack of it, totally brings out the worst in me though so things needed to change, and fast. I am not proud of how I've interacted with Sutton in the middle of some of those nights, or mornings. I spent several mornings dropping him off at school, and then, once I've had the chance to have a single uninterrupted thought, I cry.
I cry because I am struck with guilt of some of the things I've thought or said or acted. I cry because I feel hopeless and helpless in trying to care for someone who clearly needs more help than I feel prepared to handle every day. I cry because I feel like I go days, and sometimes weeks without having a single thought of my own that's not tied to meeting a basic need of my sons, while also micro managing my own behavior along the way. It's incredible overwhelming at times.
I don't always cry out of sadness or frustration though, that's the kicker out of this whole parenting thing. I cried at Thanksgiving when I watched Sutton trying to keep up with the big kids. I cried when he first tried to sign "I love you" when I dropped him off at school. I cry just about every time I think about any of the amazing things I got to experience with him, and as a family this past year, and I'm currently crying while typing about it now.
I think if I had to boil down 2018 and 2019 into one concept, it's this: 2018 brought my biggest parenting fears into sight, and in 2019 I need to learn to manage them. What am I scared of?
Sutton's eating: I am a picky eater, and was my whole life. As a result I was always a small, picked on kid, and I know it created lot of stress on my parents for years! I feel both guilty about that trait, or path, being his because of me, and I'm fearful of how I'll be able to help him with this along the way and IF I can handle the stress that comes with it.
Anger management: Both mine, and his. I know I can get really aggressive, and physical with my emotions. Not in a dangerous, hurt people way, but I've broken several golf clubs and have been known to burn a sports jersey from time to time if that's any indicator. I know I can't act like that in front of him, but when he does bite, or hit (which has been a lot recently) it's hard for me not to blame myself for something I may have done previously and not realized it Also, it's really hard to police myself 24/7. Especially in a place like Germany, where it was all of us together for 7 days.
So what am I doing about it? I'm seeing a counselor. Bi-weekly, 50 minutes. So far it's ok. We'll see. I think this time of year is particularly hard on me, and probably Maura and Sutton as well. I know our sleep rut hasn't helped any of the stress. Maura and I had some really productive talks at the end of our Germany trip (Atlanta Airport BW3) and also the other day about our parenting goals and ensuring we're aligned. I need to be a better teammate to her, and stop retreating so easily. I think that'll come.
Ok, beers done, gotta get Sutton.
