"Was it worth it?"

This is the question that sparked it all for us on the 90+ degree afternoon, back at our house, covered in sweat and stank from a long weekend of boat camping on Lake James with friends.  You could see the fatigue on us both. Me trying to put the boat away while the sun reminded me of the poor sunblock decisions made, and Maura inside trying to sort out how much extra food we had....again....and how much was NOT soaked in ice water and could be salvaged.

As I walked in from outside, finally done putting away all the tools of the Memorial Day Weekend trade, I saw Maura on the couch, head in hands, and I asked her "is everything ok?".  To which she replied "I'm just so tired, and trying to figure out if it was worth it or not." (I don't even know if I responded) I was pissed.  Luckily I had a reason to go to the store so I did.....not without making my frustration known as passively as possible (rookie mistake).

Why was I the one who was mad, when Maura was the one clearly upset or just trying to process her emotions upon MY request? I guess I felt like I had done all this work to make the weekend smooth and enjoyable, and it might not have been "worth it" which felt to me like "wasn't enough".  The story I told myself about all of this while looking for an elusive bottle of Faygo Red Pop at Ingles was a dramatic one, but not necessarily a factual one. 

When I got home, we had a nice little argument about the whole thing. The only reason I use the word "argument" is because we were so tired, and neither of us were being very patient about each others perspective and feelings. I felt the same way she did, but I was trying to pump myself up (look for positives despite the work) about things, and her words, at that moment, derailed my thought train of trying to focus on the good of the weekend.

So.....none of this addresses "was it worth it?". This question, to me, goes along with the feelings I've had/we've had about many of our vacations, not just this one, and not just since Sutton.  Our families and friends from home are a long way away, and it takes a lot of effort to make time together, in any capacity, happen. In the end, does that effort result in what you wanted out of it?  That's a hard question to answer, but I've found that sometimes documenting things with a hint of "revisionist history" can be very therapeutic.  I use this format, (journaling) but some people like a FaceBook Album or having a place to hang/changeout photos of trips and activities you do as a family.  Find the best part of a hard trip and celebrate it.  Even just deciding that, after a long trip/activity, share what was the best moments you want to remember with each other. Just doing that can help shift the mindset and help your "worth it" calculation......in my experience.

I wrote Maura an email Tuesday morning:

________________________________________________________________________________

I know it was hard…..BUT……these are the memories I’ll have now forever. 

Sutton’s face when we pulled up to the dock to get you guys. 

Waking up with the sun, and rolling over and seeing him and you sleeping peacefully as our campsite lights up
Watching him watch the bugs with amazement, and wanting to touch all the tree leaves while on my shoulders
“Good morning campsite”
Seeing him and you sitting together by the lake throwing stones and letting him experience the rocks on his bare feet.
His 300 layers of sunscreen and crazy boat hair laying on your lap to cuddle because of the wind when the boat goes fast.
“big boat….vrooom vroooom!!”
Getting to experience his comfort in the water by jumping to me, and floating in your arms away from the boat.
His adorable little butt with the neon green thong up his butt J
Admiring his ease around our friends, like him and Hoffman playing on the boat on Monday.
Playing with him in the hammock…….forever ;)

I know we could write a list of things that made it hard or annoying, or stressful.  But I don’t want that to be how we look at these times, and I know we won’t in the long run.  I agree we should consider how we can perhaps limit the downsides of these trips, and communication will be important.  I don’t think either of us were in a place emotionally, or physically to sort through all that….especially with a toddler having a vacation hangover of his own in that same moment.  I know my stress reaction is to fight everyone off, and go solo and I’m sorry about that.  It’s more productive to be on the same team and help each other through those tough times than for me to protect my feelings by pushing others away.  It’s a work in progress. 

________________________________________________________________________________

She was very thankful to have me remind her of all those things and not of the things that didn't go wonderfully:
- like Sutton not sleeping in his pack 'n play
- Sutton's constant neediness regarding his ever changing demands from throwing stones to going on the boat.....
- Sutton's mid-night thrashings that would wake Maura and I up
- Nap? Is he gonna take one? What does his nap mean for night time???
- My dead battery on the boat as Hoffman and I shoved off, alone, on Monday afternoon...
- GPS F-ing up my drive home
- an overall later than expected "all done" to the weekend so we could RELAX!

Beyond that, I can't think of much, and it's only a couple days later. I am willing to bet that the memories in the email are the ones that stick vs. the ones I had to come up with just now. 

Was it worth it? : YES
Why: I'm choosing to focus on the good stuff and not the bad
Lesson: Keep an open line to the Mrs. on how time off is spent and try to build in a "adjustment" period in if you think you'll be stressed coming off a vacation...….the exact opposite of it's purpose.

THE END

Glass case of emotion!

5/9/2019

If I told you right now that I was overwhelmed to a point of sporadic sobbing sessions and near panic attack style breathing, I would expect you to say to yourself "no way, it can't be that bad".  But that's where things are right now.  Right now.  Not that I'm sobbing in this instant, just reminding myself that this is how things are right now, and that tomorrow they could change. It could change for the better, it could change for the worse.  It might not change at all.  But this is right now, and as bad as it sucks, and it really fucking does, this will pass.

5/15/2019

I kind of hit a mental road block right after that paragraph that I wrote last week.  Maybe it was because I kind of processed what I needed to well enough that I didn't need to go any further.  I acknowledged what was going on, and my emotions, and then let it go.  And you know what? Things have started to change and we're on a small up swing.  Clearly, being able to talk to Andrew was a big help, but also having a "normal weekend" along with being able to get some mileage in last week, and this week has contributed to a better mental state. 

What have I learned? A lot.....I think.

My emotional bandwidth was totally consumed, and the crying episodes were the "overflow".  That's why every little thing set me off.  Heartfelt interaction with a deaf lady at Post Office......crying.  Buying mothers day gift......crying.  Every email I got at work.....pissed....ready to quit. With virtually no time to myself to think, or exercise, I had no way to purge along the way. Gotta keep an eye on these things moving forward. 

My fear of the "well this is it, this will be the point in my life where my life gets so consumed with other shit that my health and happiness go to absolute shit forever".....or as some refer to it as a Midlife Crisis.  Thankfully Andrew, and some guided meditation helped me realize that I'm way too aware of my surroundings, and feelings to let that slip away until "it's too late". Fair point.  And, I was already making some changes to my schedule to take back control of things, like time for running.  Another great example of loss of control, and feeling of helplessness creeping in. 

I often wonder if my visits with Andrew, along with the daily meditation have led such a greater awareness and deeper thinking that I almost feel lost in this newly found, larger space. Perhaps all this introspection and processing of so many emotions has created a little bit of fear.  Like having the walls around me drop and realizing the space around me is so much "more" than I thought it was.  I can see how that might trigger a little uneasiness.

I feel a bit like I've gone from feeling like I'm going through a mid-life crisis, to feeling like I'm evolving or breaking through.  Clearly this is a big accomplishment because a week ago I was worried about becoming a stressed out, passionless, impatient parent for the rest of my life.


Message to myself: Don't be afraid of having to evolve.  Being pushed to the brink mentally made me look at my schedule and take action, like moving running to the mornings.  As mad as I was that I had to start doing that here and there, it turned out to be a great thing for me.  Being on the trails first thing in the morning for an hour of running was sometimes EXACTLY what I needed to start clearing my head.  Instead of just a short meditation to start the day, I was getting an hour of nature, elevated heart rate, and quiet time with my thoughts.  I also found that having that "off the list" early in the day, took off the possible stress of making sure my lunch time was protected for a run later in the day.