There's really no way to describe the last 3 months that has been the journey of fatherhood. But I'll do the best I can, considering it's my first Fathers Day, and my birthday, and tomorrow is Sutton's "3 month" mark, I owe it to myself, and to him to document these feelings while they are fresh.
I've trained for some tough races. And throughout all of those training programs I've faced tough days. "I can't do this anymore". "I quit". "Why would anyone ever want to do this?". However, I learned through those moments that the payoffs are incredibly worth it: The turn onto Boylston Street in Boston; cresting the top of Shut In Ridge; or finishing first in a 209 mile utlra relay. None of which would be as memorable, or possible in most cases without pushing myself to a breaking point in the name of trying to find something in myself I didn't know I had. Fatherhood, as I've found, can be very similar.
We're 3 months in. I don't have this figured out. Not by a long shot. But like any new passion, fatherhood included, the journey and the self-learning is worth it 100 fold.
The toughest days thus far have been in weeks 3-7. The help had mostly been removed, and Maura and I were left to figure out the "new normal". Me back at work, her having to fend for herself alone all day with Sutton. We quickly learned that what worked one day wouldn't mean it worked the next, or the next or the next, but sometimes it did, and sometimes things that never worked, sometimes did. For two Type-A people, this is incredible challenging to deal with.
The day that sticks out the most during this time is what we (now) luaghingly refer to as "that Friday". The day Sutton cried for nearly 12 hours on and off, with nothing that would help. Maura had done her best to mask how bad it was in her texts that day but I could tell it was hard for her. I got home as quick as I could and walked in to a crying wife and child. "I need a shower my back hurts so bad" she said as she gave him to me and ran up stairs to shower. It crushed my soul to see them both so sad. But, we survived. I knew then what people meant when they said "just get through the first 6 weeks".
There were several days similar but not as long. Tempers were tested, and broken in these days. There were nights where Maura and I talked openly about how hard this was and how moments of doubt were creeping in about whether or not we were appropriately equipped for all this. As bad and as dark as these days were, I'm so thankful we kept an open line of communication open. The balance of being able to share frustrations and not put more on the other, who's feeling the same, is not easy at all. It's like holding a bucket of water out in each arm, until you're totally fatigued, and then having someone say "I'm so tired, can you please hold my buckets?" Somedays it felt like we were sacraficing ourselves to help the other....noble and stupid and the same time. We both have to live to keep this train moving!
However, people don't get into this parenting thing because of the dark days. Just like no one trains for a marathon because they love 20 mile runs in the summer heat/blistering cold. They do it because of the joys that come along the way. The simple, daily reminders of why we took the leap we did.
The joys...........which are now more abundant after the first 6 weeks :)
Being the first thing my son sees in the morning is my favorite thing in the history of ever. No matter how many IPA's I had the night before, when I un-velcro that swaddle, his arms shoot up over his head for a stretch, he lets out a groan and then he smiles at me, I absolutely melt. Every time. Feeding him in the rocker in his room with the sun coming in, his eyes locked with mine, it's absolute bliss. I love it.
Turns out Sutton loves being outside (shocker) so taking him for walks in the stroller are awesome ways to calm him, and it's our "family" time most nights when I get home from work. We bring the speaker for some tunes, some roadies and Kali and we make some loops. Being that I'm gone at work, this is great "face time" for me and him, and we all get some time to talk about the day and get some excercise in too. I'm a true suburbanite in this moment. My fav memory of this was when our neighbors Bruce and Linda drove by and wanted to see Sutton so bad, Linda damn near jumped out of the car before Bruce fully stopped she was so excited to see him.
Maura will tell you I'm not a great dancer. I think I'm ok, especially after drinking, but what's most important is that Sutton loves it. The "Dance and Jiggle" is my new specialty and favorite. Usually it's Bob Marley, soemtimes it's "80's comeback, 90's throwback" on Pandora. Whatever the flavor, I love holding Sutton in my arms and dancing with him and singing to him (poorly) until he falls asleep. I love watching his eyes grow heavy and his head weightless against my chest until he falls asleep. There are many times my back and arms hurt so bad I can barely stand it, but I'd gladly do it until they fell off to have those moments. If I'm lucky this leads to a nap for us both, with him on my chest, which is nothing short of amazing.
Bedtimes are also fantastic. Maura and I give him a nice warm bath and Maura helps me wrap him up and get him into his PJ's and then it's dinner time for Sutton while I read to him on the floor, Kali usually making her way up stairs to lay with me while I read. Some times it's "The big red barn" and sometimes it's "Astrophysics for people in a hurry". My personal fav is "Where the sidewalk ends" which was a childhood fav of mine, and I try my best to do my best Shel Silverstein when reading it to him.
So.......life aint so bad. The lows are low, but becoming more manageable every day with the confidence that only comes through living those challenges. The highs are like that I've never experienced, and would never want to be without now that I've experienced them.
