The timing of Sutton's birthday times quite well with the birth of spring, and thus a chance for renewal. A chance to let go of something that's holding me back, or to implement a practice in hopes of a richer experience. I'm planning do to a little of both......
I've used the months post my explosion and leading up to Suttons birthday (this week) to really focus on the things I can do to help me be a better dad, and hopefully enjoy each day a little more.
I immediately saw my counselor the day after the blow up, and it was incredibly productive.
We really honed in on the idea that my anger, to that level, comes from a fear of being trapped, and helpless. It really clicked because that's certainly how I felt that day. Trapped because we couldn't leave for a while based on daycare opening, and helpless because his shit fit was about nursing, which is something I clearly cannot fix as a dad.
The nursing element also was a major trigger for me. For whatever reason, I am/have been (it's improving) really "not ok" with the idea of him continuing to nurse. Mostly because I know it's a crutch in his overall eating progress, and also because I know what a drain it is on Maura. When he's melting down over wanting to nurse, I feel angry with him because I know how inconvenient it is for Maura, and us, especially when trying to be real adults in public.
So, all that's great, but what can I do about it? Well, first off, we're letting him nurse whenever he wants in the morning and working as much as we can to keep offering other food/milk. Our nutritionist also recommended Maura not pump during school so her supply will start to deplete on its own and he'll hopefully lose interest. Good news, that seems to be working out. Over the last few weeks, we've had success with him only wanting to nurse a little in the morning, then on to some food/milk of his own. On a few mornings I've been able to wake him, and get him to start with a sippy cup of milk instead of nursing. It's a small win, but we'll take it!
I also took the recent opportunity of a work trip to read the book "love and logic". It really was a great read and helped me understand how Sutton's brain works, how to experiment with it (jedi mind tricks) and build empathy. The experiments were really nothing more than offering him decisions as much as possible, and also asking him questions to keep him thinking. It's amazing how much he actually understands at this point.
I think the biggest step forward that I'm making, with the help of Everett, is the launch of a Dad support group in Asheville. More to come on this, but the framework is there, and we're looking to get things going in the next few weeks. I feel like there's a need here, and with some help I'm ready to help provide some opportunities for Dads to come together and support Dads.
Despite having the worst parenting experience of my life, I'm feeling confident that I can and have learned from it, and am doing what I can to be a better dad. I can let go of the guilt I put on myself after that day, and focus on the exciting things I'm doing now as a result. It should make for a fun and exciting summer.
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