I'm trying to take advantage of the few minutes I have alone in the house to document my last month or so. I've realized that writing has become a nice way of reflecting and processing some of the events of the last few weeks, being objective about them, and applying any new insights. After just re-reading my last entry, I also think it's a good time to document some of the progress that's been made.
Not sure what the cause of it has been, but I'm enjoying a little bit of a tail wind. There's still a lot that's challenging but I want to embrace the some highlights.
Eating has been better, but our perspective has also improved. When I took Sutton in for his first OT appt. in mid-Jan, he'd moved into the 4th percentile! (slow clap) Aside from an obvious increase in data point, which was great, this led us to the idea that not every meal is a life or death situation for him/us. He ate horribly in Germany, and home wasn't great either recently, but despite all that, he was still growing just fine. Just because he didn't eat well that night, he wasn't sleeping any less (any less than the 5am routine at least....) and we could/should allow ourselves the comfort of that and relax. That mindset shift really seemed to be a breakthrough for us. He's still a long way from the diet we'd prefer of him, but I didn't eat broccoli until I was in my 20's.....so there's that.
Sleeping and the morning routine go hand in hand for us. Fortunately getting him to sleep isn't the issue right now. There's usually a power struggle through diaper/PJ's routine, but we've also managed that thru some clever Elephant towel puppetry while mom executes the costume change. The struggle now is the morning wake up time. Could be 6:15, could be 4:15. When it's 4:15, we usually let him cry it out a bit, and almost every time he falls back asleep for a little while longer.....but we're awake at that point. On those blessed 6:15 mornings, it's sipping coffee on the couch with Maura, her on FB, me on ESPN :). When he wakes up though, his only thought is the boob. He cannot be consoled otherwise, and Maura being in the house makes it worse.....until she leaves for work, and then he's really upset about things. We've had to make a key decision, and that's that, while we REALLY don't want him nursing anymore, allowing it makes every one's morning better. We then also realized that by allowing ourselves to be flexible in this area, he was easier to keep off the screen in the mornings, he typically would also eat a waffle or something more after Maura left, or in the car. Having fun family mornings (well, increasing the chances of one..) was worth the extra burden of not forcing him off the morning boob feeding. Kind of a key decision and milestone for us in the "can't have it all" department....
This counseling things has been a nice accountability tool for me lately. The discussions have spanned everything from running, to parenting, Sutton, Maura, work stuff and more. He's not been overly prescriptive, but helps me talk through things on my own and provides guidance and observations. It's nice that, while Maura and I still talk life stuff a lot together, she doesn't have to be the only one "helping" me manage a stressful time, since it's likely she's also stressed out if it's related to parenting stuff.
It was my idea, and his encouragement that got me to finally try to make time to meditate. I found an app that has various durations and topics, and I started out by simply taking 10 minutes after a particularly stressful morning to sit down and just listen and follow directions. It wasn't easy to stay focused, but I felt good after doing it. Much like it felt when I started running more often. The hardest part is finding time, but for the last two weeks I've been able to get Sutton to school at a time that allows me enough time to drive up onto the parkway a little, sit on the tailgate and take part in the "daily calm" thru the app. Usually this is around sunrise, so if I'm lucky I'm feeling the sun come over me during those 10 short minutes of focus, then opening my eyes to an amazing sunrise over Asheville. This is something I can hopefully keep up with.
Between the counseling and guided meditation, I feel like I've unlocked a few things about myself and about my parenting temperament. My anger comes from two main places; fear of "forever" and fear of change. It's a bit of a paradox in a way. My fear of forever is usually in those moments of extreme stress or a prolonged period of exhaustion, like a series of early and difficult mornings. In those moments I think "this is my life now, a screaming, demanding, crazy kid and it's always going to be like this....and we want another one. I'll never survive". A mantra that's come up over and over to me during my mornings on the parkway has been that nothing is forever. "The best part is, nothing lasts forever. The worst part is, nothing lasts forever." This has really helped me remember that on the other side of that thrown plate of food, or behind that flailing kick to the nuts is a loving hug and kiss during drop off, or a fist pound after laying him in his crib at night.
It's not that I don't like or handle change. I agreed and wanted to be a parent, and nothing says change more than that. This is more about my never ending goal to do it all. Pre-Sutton, Maura and I were always on the go, camping, running, costume event of some kind.....we lived a full life. As parents, we still live a very active, on the go, lifestyle. While this alone has it's challenges and trade offs, it's when a well laid out plan to "make it all work" goes to shit with one phone call from day care. Workouts, work meetings, running expectations and beyond all get thrown in the wood chipper as soon as you hear your kids temp broke the magical 100.0 barrier. This is what I have trouble with. Nothing feels as depleting as going home sick from work to recover, then getting a call from daycare that they are closing for weather, then having your kid get sick, so everyone is sick for days and it's freezing outside, you've got a race to run and a marathon to train for...... I don't have much of a plan here for addressing this yet. I know I need to learn to let things go, and in some cases that's much easier than others. I guess I'm OK with simply knowing this is something to work on for right now.
Feeling pretty good about stuff right now though...…
- Sutton says "yeah" also, instead of just "no"
- Johnny and the cast of Sing! have been making fewer appearances lately
- Despite unpredictable wake up times, I'm still getting my workouts in
- Mornings have been less crazy
- The sun is out more every day
- Watching Sutton learn to kick is adorable, as long as it's not my nuts
- Sutton's verbal skills are improving weekly
- We get told all the time how cute he is or how amazing his dancing is
Fire's going in the fire place while Kali lays in front of it and Maura naps with Sutton on the couch. I'm finishing off a Hop Slam and watching the drizzle outside. Tomorrow will be something different.
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